Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
