I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
