I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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