My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
