you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
