I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
