I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
