My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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