My sheets look like a crime scene.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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