You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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