like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
