Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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