Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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