omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
