Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You ruined the universe
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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