I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
