Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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