Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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