Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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