I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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