The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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