Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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