remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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