Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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