shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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