M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
