y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Found your dick twin last night
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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