He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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