Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
