Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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