Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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