i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize