im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
