Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
