All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
