bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
