We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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