I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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