My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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