Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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