Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you have to choose: penises or morals?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
