Pappa wants mamma naked
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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