he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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