I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
