btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
