True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
