Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize