there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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