I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You ruined the universe
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
