sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
