When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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