I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
How does one acquire holy water?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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