Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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