don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
