I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
