I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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