I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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