I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
