She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
