he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
