We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize