My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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