He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
