That's intense
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
