I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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