Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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