I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
