Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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