i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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