i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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