This girl is more easily done than said...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
