I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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